You know that guy who comes to homecoming at your high school still wearing his letterman’s jacket, even though he graduated 20 years ago? Doesn’t he look ridiculous? Well, that’s Jason Giambi. Turns out you really can’t go home again.
You know that guy that wins a beer chugging contest, high fives everyone in the place and then walks into a corner to throw up just before passing out? That’s Ian Kinsler. Go ahead and say it… Hey Kinsler, get out of my bar!
You know that guy who is the life of the party until someone finds out he pee’d in the pool? Not cool, right? That’s Manny Ramirez. He’s still smiling, but everyone knows his dirty little secret now.
You know that lady who has the job she doesn’t deserve and only has it because she’s married to the boss? That was Jamie McCourt. Turns out there’s an opening for a CEO in Chavez Ravine. Go for it. The pay ain’t great, but you can eat all the Dodger dogs you want and the parking is almost free.
Ever get one of hose emails that tell you they need your help distributing the wealth of some leader from a foreign country you’ve never heard of and all you have to do is put up some of your own money to help with the transaction? Warning… that’s also Jamie McCourt. She’s trying to round up enough money to buy Frank out.
You know that guy who lives in your neighborhood, has a very nice house, multiple luxury cars, but never goes to work? That’s Jason Schmidt. I bet you saw him hosing down his drive way even though there’s a water shortage, right?
You know the jerk that races in out of traffic as he passes you by only to end up next to you when you get to a stop light? That’s Frankie Rodriguez. He was in such a hurry to leave Anaheim, he hasn’t slowed down yet. Problem is – that hurry up and wait thing has become his life. He spent a year being all revved up with no games to save. Be careful what you wish for.
You know that guy with the really bad sun burn, shorts and black socks? That’s Jonathan Papelbon. Turns out he took my advice and went to Australia to work on his tan. Problem is he fell asleep in the sun and now he looks like one giant, red tube sock.
You know that guy who is walking along and trips over his own feet and then looks at his shoes like they’re to blame? That’s Dustin Pedroia. Turns out he’s not getting a Christmas card from the Red Sox ground’s crew.
You know that guy sitting on the bus bench staring off into space with his mouth open? That’s Casey Kotchman. He’s wondering what happened to his career. One day he was the Angels prized prospect, the next day he was backing up a guy who sounds like he’s getting booed every time he steps up to bat.
You know that guy who’s sure that once he leaves the company the whole dang place will fall apart? Then low and behold, he gets fired and the business does better than ever? That’s Clint Hurdle. He might be joining Casey Kotchman on that bus bench soon.
How about that guy you saw trying to tie down the mattress in the back of his pick up truck along the freeway? That was Alex Rodriguez. Alex doesn’t over analyze things any more and that might be good when he’s in the batter’s box, but when he’s hauling stuff in a truck, he needs to exercise some common sense. That look you saw on his face was him trying to figure out how to tie a knot.
Did you see the woman on the talk show that is in a bad relationship, but is the only one on the show who doesn’t realize it? That’s going to be Kate Hudson, who is on the verge of going from movie star to reality-TV celebrity.
You know that guy who answers his cell phone in the grocery store and grimaces when he hears his wife screaming at him and his only response is “yes dear, yes dear?” That’s Mark Teixeira. Do I really need to say any more?
Do you remember that guy on TV doing the ads saying “Larry Parker got me $2.1 million?” Well, that’s Milton Bradley; only now he’s saying Jim Hendry gave me $30 million dollars! He is represented by the Levinson brothers. And you thought Scott Boras was good!
You know that annoying guy that talks through the whole movie? It’s obvious he really likes the sound of his own voice. You know that’s Tim McCarver, right? Watch out, he’s coming to a theater near you.
Ever see that gruff looking guy, who looks like he needs a shower; the one at the race track? He’s the guy who doesn’t look like he has a nickel to his name, but is betting like crazy. That’s Pete Rose. No, really that’s Pete Rose. I’m telling you that’s really Charlie Hustle.
Be on the look out folks. These guys are every where.
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