October 15, 2009

Analyze This

When I started this blog, I told myself (and probably you as well) I wasn’t going to be doing any kind of deep analysis of the game or its players. I lied, but only sort of.

True Grich proudly presents; this, that and some other things about the New York Yankees. You see, Rob Neyer has nothing on me.

Here we go…

First up, Johnny Damon. Johnny makes up for his lack of arm strength with his ability to grow a very thick beard. Problem is Johnny isn’t allowed to grow any of that in NY. In Boston they sell t-shirts that say: Johnny Damon - Looks like Jesus. Acts like Judas. Throws like Mary. Ouch. Johnny wants to stay in NY next year (he’s a free agent after the season). Come on Johnny; why not go back to Oakland where you played in 2001? After all, that worked out well for Jason Giambi. Oh wait…

Mark Teixeira is a good hitter, but he’s a terrible liar. Please don’t tell me it’s not about the money and then go and sign with the Yankees. Now, if you had told me you didn’t want to live in the same time zone as your agent Scott Boras, I might have believed you. Then again, I can’t be too angry with Mark – his leaving paved the way for Kendry Morales and gave the Angels the flexibility to sign Bobby Abreu. I love Bobby. Players flock to Bobby. Salesmen with visions of large commission checks flock to Tex. I’ll take Morales and Abreu over Tex any day.

By the way does Tex remind you of anyone?

I'm just saying...

Alex Rodriguez leads the league in one thing. Derogatory nicknames. A-Roid, A-Fraud, A-Choke. You name it, he’s been called it. Make no mistake about it, Alex is all about himself. One WBC he wants to play for Team USA. The next he wants to play for the Dominican Republic. One day Madonna is his soul mate. The next he’s kissy face with Kate Hudson. When he orchestrated his way out of Texas, he didn’t care if he went to Boston or New York. A-Fraud is as wishy washy as a politician. He might have a bright future in congress. He might represent New York one term and then Florida the next. He’ll probably switch parties every other election too.

In New York they like to cheer – Hip, Hip, Jorge. I’m here to Rip, Rip Jorge. Jorge Posada is a catcher in name only. He wears the gear, but he can’t do the job. He’d be the perfect spokesman for one of those Holiday Inn commercials. I can hear him now… “I’m not a catcher, but I slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night.” His arm is so weak; he couldn’t even throw out soon-to be 51 year old Mike Scioscia on the bases. He’s so bad; A.J. Burnett would rather have Jose Molina catch for him. Posada doesn’t like that much. Isn’t dissention in the Yankee club house a beautiful thing?

Then there’s C.C Sabathia. And I thought Bartolo Colon was big. Sabathia is listed at 6’7” and 290 lbs. Everything about him is big, including his ERA against the Angels this year, not to mention his career post season ERA. It’s clear Sabathia likes donuts, because he’s 0-2 this year against the Angels so far.

Cheater, Cheater Derek Jeter. Don’t you just love the way that rolls off your tongue? What can I possibly say about “Captain Clutch?” It’s going on nine years since Derek Jeter was clutch enough to carry his team to a World Series win. I think it’s to the point now where he’s better known for all the Hollywood starlets he’s had on his arm. I hear they’re lining up for him. Don’t worry ladies… I believe Jeter will be back on the dating scene some time next week when his season comes to an end.

Mariano Rivera. It’s really hard to rip this guy; after all, he’s the greatest closer in post-season history. Just ask the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks.

Brian Cash-man. What a perfect name for a Yankee GM. He’s been quoted as saying - “I think they (Angels) look down on us.” Actually, Mr. Cashman, the Angels don’t look down or even back for that matter. They look ahead. It’s what you do when you’re pulling away from your opponent.

There you have it. It’s not comprehensive, but I think I’ve managed to hit all the low points. Peter Gammons, eat your heart out.

Extra Innings:

Happy Birthday to 514 Fanatic Lauren, who turned 40 yesterday!

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